Saving Both
by christinalena
Summary: When Katniss meets Gale Hawthorne online, Peeta doesn't think it's a good idea to go meet him. Does Katniss go anyways, or does Peeta keep her home?
1. New Home

Chapter 1

When Katniss Everdeen stepped out of her car in Boston for the first time her senses were going berserk. The smell of a nearby restaurant on Newbury Street had made her stomach growl from the long ride and her mother's determination to get there without stopping. When Katniss asked if they could stop for food on the two hour drive from Springfield, her mother yelled at her in the unnecessary volume that it always seemed to take on. Thank goodness her mother was at too much of an awkward angle for her to strike her, but she knew her mother would find a reason later on anyway. She always did. Being six years old and that smell being an amazingly strong scent of cheeseburgers and fried food, she wanted to see where the smell was coming from. She would have to wait, because there was no way her mother would let her roam around the city like she did the trees at home.

She heard her four year old brother, Rory, struggling to get one year old, Vick, out of the car. When my father saw how difficult of a time Rory was having, he helped him with the fantastic smile on his face that he always did. Her father was the jolliest man that Katniss had ever encountered even if she hadn't encountered a lot. Finally, when our driver finished putting all of our belongings that hadn't been sent here on the curb, we went into our new home. Father had gotten a really good job at John Hancock and they were now able to afford much more than they could in their three bedroom in Springfield.

As a family, they walked through the apartment gasping at every new room. All of the children were able to have their own room, which wasn't new for Katniss; however, Rory was ecstatic. Father said that Katniss was going to be able to paint her room whichever color she wanted to. Before he even finished the sentence she knew what color she had decided on: green. Forest green was her favorite color, because it reminded her of the trees that were more back home than they were here. Katniss did not know what she was going to do when her mother decided to finally punish her from wanting to delay their trip. Kat had always just gone and sat in the woods behind their house and thought about how a great person like her father would ever marry the evil witch that was her mother. Surely there was something he must have seen in her then that had to have changed drastically since the day they had gotten married, but Katniss couldn't picture it. She couldn't picture her mother being nice to anyone.

When Katniss had gone to her room to take in where she would be living for the foreseeable future, she couldn't believe it. Her room alone was bigger than her and her brothers' rooms back home. She had her own closet and everything. She didn't even know what to do with that much space, because she only had a few things to put in there. Even after she unpacked, the room looked relatively empty.

"Don't worry," father said. He must have seen the look on her face. "We'll get you some nice things to decorate it with."

"Daddy, it's okay. This home is going to be so much better than the last one already! I don't need _anything_ else in the whole world as long as you're here with me."

She sat down on her unmade bed. The sheets she had from Springfield were for a twin sized bed and this was a full. They were going to have to go buy her new covers anyway. She saw the blue and white soccer ball in the corner of her room and she felt something, something she had never had to feel before. She missed her friends from home.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Catnip?"

"Do they have a soccer team here like they did at home?"

"Of course. I already signed you up. There will be new teammates that, I bet, can't wait to be your friend," he said, obviously with a large smile.

Katniss believed anything her father said, because of that smile. Since she had always wanted to ask and she knew her father wouldn't lie:

"Daddy, why did you marry mom? She's mean."

He didn't even hesitate to answer although he didn't really answer at all, "You'll understand soon enough, Catnip."

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Review please! This is my first story and I would really like to know what you guys think.


	2. First Days

Yay! Sorry for the delay. They've been calling me into work left and right and I haven't had the time to start working on Chapter 3 yet.

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Chapter 2

I was nervous about practice today. I didn't know anyone and who knew if I would make any friends? I wasn't great at talking unless it was my dad or a few friends from home that I knew from school, but I hadn't gone to my new school yet. I didn't even have that advantage.

As Dad and I pulled up to practice, surprisingly close to our new apartment, I noticed it was all girls. They weren't just girls though- they were really girly girls. This was something I was not used to. In the league back home, I had been on a co-ed team and I tended to befriend mostly the boys. This was going to be interesting.

I said goodbye to Dad and told him that practice would be over in an hour.

I ran over to the coach who, I noticed, was wearing the most colors I had ever seen on a human before. She wore _a lot_ of pinks although the occasional purple was thrown in. She was dressed in a suit with heels. Her hair was poofy and "Perfectly" done up as I'm sure she thought even though I would never in a million years put my hair like that. Who wears things like this to a _soccer practice? _She asked my name and told me to sit with the team. She had a very strange accent and I asked myself where she could possibly be from. To my dismay, she turned to the team and explained:

"Girls, don't you worry. I know that we were forced to wear blue last year, but since we won last season I told them it was only good manners to let us pick our color. We got pink this year!"

I wasn't surprised to hear the cheers going on around me, but I could not even smile at this news. Even though this season was already going to be interesting with her teammates being totally different than her, now she had to wear pink. The coach could have picked literally any other color and I would have been fine. Pink was not her color.

They spent the next forty-five minutes learning the basics. I'm wondering how they won last year if they could barely kick a ball. My dad had a ball at my feet as soon as I could run which probably made me fit in with the boys even more. This season was not going to be interesting. It was going to be disastrous.

Dad picked me up in our new car after practice and I was surprised when he started to talk to the coach. I think I was too busy looking at her ridiculous outfit to catch her name and was completely thrown off when Dad said, "How did you like Coach Trinket's practice today?"

"It was fine. I don't really know anyone so I was kind of nervous."

"Well, we have our first game on Saturday! Don't you worry. You'll get to know many of the girls then." Coach sounded much too enthusiastic about that. Maybe that's just how she always sounded. She seemed too excited about everything. I think it's weird. Coach also mentioned that they needed help managing the league this year and since I was so into soccer she suggested that Dad could help out.

Being the nice, helpful man he was, he obviously said yes. Coach trinket gave him the information that he needed to contact the head of the league and we went home for supper.

I honestly can't wrap my head around how awful soccer had turned out. Sure they won and I like winning, but how on earth did they win? They had about as much soccer skill as pond scum. Maybe the skill in the city was a lot worse, because everybody had so much more to do here. Back home, we got bored a lot and practiced outside. Everyone here was always in a hurry and I wonder if it's because they're busy or if they're just impatient. Mother came in and very loudly reminded me that my first day of school was tomorrow and demanded I get some sleep. It was only after that point that I remembered she hadn't had a reason to punish me today. Maybe that's why she was yelling.

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"Katniss wake up! You're going to be late on your first day! I want to get your hair done and nice and I have a dress laid out." And the yelling has already begun. God, that woman did not shut up.

I knew I was the only one that would be awake unless Vick was being fussy or my mother had woken up everyone in the neighborhood. Rory was too young for school and Dad would be at work already. I showered in the bathroom that connected to my room which was amazing since we all had to share one in Springfield. The hot water was just enough to wake me up even though a lot of six year olds liked getting up early for some unknown reason. I went down and had some cereal. Mother said that the driver would take me to school even though I was used to taking the bus. Maybe that was normal here.

When I got to school however, I realized that this was not normal. Mother probably just wanted to show off her new money. I realized that I stood out even more now. As if it wasn't going to be bad enough. Kids piled out of buses and ran inside or stayed outside to talk with their friends. Since I didn't know anyone I just went inside to the principal's office and hopefully they would tell me what to do.

Thank goodness the principal looked nothing or dressed nothing like Coach Trinket. I was beginning to wonder what kind of fashion they have in this city with all of their bright colors. The principal was different though. He wore a plain black suit with a white shirt and a blue tie. Normal, I thought.

"Hello. You must be Katniss. I'm Principal Cinna." The massive smile warmness in his voice made it sound like everything was going to be okay and I instantly liked him. "I have a volunteer here to take you to your class. He's in the same class as you. Peeta, you can come in now," Principal Cinna called out to the hall. A boy walked in. He had these loose blonde curls that he couldn't fix if he tried. He wasn't scrawny, but he was big either, and those eyes were as bright as the bluest sky that I had ever seen even in Springfield where the air was clearer and brighter.

"Katniss, I can take you to class." He had a huge smile on his face, too. Was this the smile school? It made me comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. He also sounded like he was at least ten years old with the way he talked. It was like he wasn't nervous at all. Well why would he be? He had friends here. Maybe we could be friends. I felt my face blush for no apparent reason and was absolutely confused.

"Where are you from?" he asked, oblivious to my lack of communication skills and the fact that I was as deep in thought as a six year old could be.

"Springfield. Not that far." He made my mind quiet down a bit or maybe he was distracting it. I don't really know.

"Don't worry. You're only three weeks late in the year and most of us didn't know each other before then. You'll make friends in no time." There goes that ten year old mouth of his again. And how did he get in my head? This kid must have been from the future and had a mind reading device implanted for all I know.

"I'm not good at making friends."

"Can I be your friend?" That blush was back. What was it about this kid that made her cheeks go red? Whatever, he was weird, too. At least he was talking out age now.

We got to the classroom and Peeta stopped for a second right outside. "You ready?"

"I guess"

We went into the classroom and everyone looked at me like I was from the zoo. Gee, I knew I was different because I wasn't around here, but it's not like I'm from another planet or something. It was only then that I realized that I had either grabbed Peeta's hand and was holding onto it for dear life or he grabbed mine to make me feel better. Either way I knew why they were gawking.

The first half of the day went by pretty slowly. Besides the normal this-is-your-new-classmate-treat-her-nice speech, I wasn't up for display and no one treated me that way. Thank goodness. The day was actually not bad. Then it was lunchtime. I hadn't exactly had time to talk to anyone in order to get to know them well enough to sit with them at lunch. I talked to Peeta, but I'm pretty sure he was only being nice to the new girl. I saw him in the far corner and he waved at me to sit with him and his friends. I'm blushing again. Stop blushing, stop blushing, stop blushing. Looking up at his table, I didn't recognize anyone. Maybe they were from another grade or at least another class. I refuse to believe I had just not been paying attention.

"Everybody this is Katniss. She's new here from Springfield. Katniss this is, well, everyone." I hate when he talks like he's so much older and has a way with words that none of us would ever have in our lifetime.

Everyone looked at me. Yay. I love that feeling. "Umm, hey guys. Nice-"

I was then cut off by, "Peet was just talking about you! I'm so happy to meet you. I'm in second grade so if I can help you with homework or anything- or maybe we could hang out! I love meeting new.."

"Calm down, Del. You're going to freak her out." Little did Peeta know, I was far passed freaked out. "I'm sorry about my sister. She gets a little excited."

"I'll say." Even though I didn't have to say so, everyone was nodding their heads and laughing. I sat down and started eating thinking that I could possibly get a bite in, but no. People were asking me questions about life in Springfield and why I moved here. To my own surprise, I didn't mind. I was actually relieved. Before school I was so nervous about not making friends and I'm realizing that I didn't have to. Peeta did it for me. Who was this kid?

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As always, let me know what you think! Reviews = love.


	3. Last Days

Yay! Another chapter up! Sorry it took so long. Review! ;)

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Chapter 3

The years went by. I befriended a girl named Madge and after school her, Peeta, and I were inseparable. During school though, no one would have even thought we were friends. Madge and I sat together during lunch. Peeta sat with the loud "popular" kids that Madge and I never bothered to put up with.

I slowly figured out that Peeta and his family were not as well off as mine (although that's not exactly saying much) and he lived a little walk away from my apartment or a few stops down on the green line. When we were younger, our fathers both helped run our soccer league so I would get to see him often and that's how we became close, but now that we're older we can see each other as much as we'd like, which was essentially every day.

When I was about eleven, Dad got really sick. For about a year he was in and out of Massachusetts General Hospital and my mother would be there beside him the whole time. I guessed that he was the only person in the world that she loved. The boys had grown and she was now just as fond of punishing them as she was me, though I found myself taking the blame for the most part. I'll admit it was nice having my mother out of the apartment for a while, but we all missed Dad so much and really wished that he would come home. Peeta knew, of course, about my dad. There was no way that he couldn't. I went to his house as soon as I got the news and broke down quietly in his arms. I assumed he told Madge even though I never had the guts to say the news twice.

I went to go visit my dad one day in the hospital. He was hooked up to machines that I didn't even know existed, but I couldn't take in the room too much. It was all I had to tell myself _don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. Hold it together for him. _I was actually doing a good job and we were making small talk when I noticed that my mother wasn't here to scream or—other things. "Where's Mother?"

"She hasn't been here in a couple of days now. Isn't she at home?" he said with a puzzled and worried look.

If there's anyone that I can't help protecting, it's my dad. I know I don't get the chance very often, but when I do I need to. "I haven't really been home either. Maybe I just missed her." I hate lying to my dad, but knowing that he's going through a bone marrow transplant tomorrow and his illness is stress related, I don't want him to worry about us at the house. After a little while, I tell Dad that I have homework and I should go, but Peeta and I will be back tomorrow with the boys. He then said something so unexpected it stopped me dead in my tracks:

"Catnip? Don't you ever let that one go, okay?"

"What—uhh. Okay Dad."

"Promise me Catnip."

"I promise, but why?"

"He's a great kid just like his mother was. She was so kind and funny, I can't believe I let her go." What? What is happening right now? Dad knew Mrs. Mellark before- before? Before she was ripped out of Peeta's life without him ready? I wasn't there for it, but I knew it destroyed him, even if he was very young. Maybe that's what kills him the most- not remembering her and not knowing what he could have possibly done to keep her from taking her own life. Whenever he talked about her he looked as if he had seen a ghost with the expression that takes over his face. I've just stopped talking about it with him, because feelings were never my strong suit.

"Catnip, there's something I wasn't you to know before," his voice trailing off "before something worse happens to me. There's a reason much bigger than the money, that I took the job in Boston. Celina and I used to date. Actually we dated for a very long time. We were engaged when she met someone else. I knew him well enough and it's no wonder that she ended up marrying him. I knew they had moved out here a little while before Peeta and Prim were born which is why I wanted to come find her. I wanted to make sure she was okay. She wasn't."

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't imagine what that felt like. To have the person you love the most love someone else and then be gone altogether. This is why I'm never getting married, especially with the recent events where I'm pretty sure my mother just left us kids to starve. I guess if you can't have the one that you really want in the first place, the replacement doesn't really matter.

"Daddy, I'm so sorry."

"I'm alright, honey. I just need you to keep that boy around, because if you don't you'll regret it. Now go do your homework and I'll see you after the transplant tomorrow. I love you, Catnip."

"I love you, too, Daddy." I held him for what seemed like much longer than necessary, but for me it was just right.

That was the last time I saw my father and those were the last words we ever spoke to each other.

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Review, review, review. As Effie Trinket would say, "That's just good manners."

I'll try to have another chapter up by tomorrow and the next we introduce a new character. Fun Fun. Also you guys should check out **Lion's Tooth **by **Alexabee. **It's truly amazing!


	4. Unknown Friend

I figured I wouldn't have time to upload another one tomorrow so I just got this one in tonight.

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Chapter 4

_This isn't happening. This can't be happening. There's a mistake. They have the wrong patient._

"Uhm. Thank you for letting me know. I'll be down shortly."

Peeta's eyeing me carefully like I'm a bomb ready to explode. Hell, at this point he might be right. After getting the news that there was a "complication" during the procedure they told me that my dad was- that he was- well I don't want to think about it. I've been asked to identify the body since my mother's not home again. Seriously, where is she?

"Peet, can you watch them for a bit? I have to…" what do I say? "I have to go somewhere." Whoa. Good cover up Katniss. He probably already knows what happened. Hell Vick and Rory probably do, too. Crap I suck at this whole lying business.

"You think that 'wherever you're going' I'm going to let you go alone? You're insane and don't know me very well if you thought that." Told you he knows. I also figured that he would want to go with me. I've known Peeta for years and he's never let me cry by myself that he knows of. He either loves being there for me or just loves me. Either way I don't mind.

"Fine. Venia can you watch Rory and Vick while I'm gone? I shouldn't be too long." It wasn't going to be him anyway. It couldn't be him. I would just take one look at the patient and know it wasn't.

"Of course, darling," she said. "I'll try to get them to bed before you get back," she whispered to me. God even she could tell? At least Peeta's my best friend, but Venia doesn't even know me. She's just my neighbor that I barely even talk to.

"Thank you so much," was all I could manage to get out of my mouth before Peeta and I walked out the door and I broke down in his arms for the millionth time. Having him there made everything easier. He was always there to tell me it was okay and even though I didn't believe him at the moment I knew that he would make everything okay for me. We sat there for what felt like hours while he rocked me back and forth. After the crying had at least slowed down I mumbled that we should go and we did.

Oh my God. It's really him. There really was a complication and he's really gone. I feel nothing inside of me. I'm empty. I can't move. For a while it's hard to breathe. This is not happening. Then all of a sudden I just needed to get out of there. As far away from this place as I physically could. So I got up and I ran. I ran to the soccer field that Peeta and I played on when we were kids. It's the only place that I can clear my head. Finally I hear,

"Jeez, Kat. I haven't seen you run that fast since the track championship meet last year." I hadn't told him about my mother being gone or about our parents. I decided to spill my guts. I went on and on and he just sat there taking it all in.

I end with a, "What am I going to do Peeta? I don't know where my mom is and I can't take care of the boys while I'm in school. What am I going to do about food? They can't pay me my dad's money. Hell where are we going to live? Mom's not here to help us pay for a new home? What if the boys have to go into foster care? I couldn't live with myself if my baby brothers have to go live apart or more importantly with someone who isn't family…"

"Kat, slow down. We'll figure this out. We can't figure it all out now, but we'll figure it out." Why is it that my head thinks that just, because Peeta says something means it's true? Oh well. For now I don't care. He's trying to calm me down and it's working. I never really noticed, but Peeta's the only one that really gets me. The way that his arms are wrapped around me right now kind of makes me want to go to sleep. I can't believe how much I love this kid. He's like the brother that I chose. I know that what I feel for him can never be replaced and I also know that my father was right. I need to hold on to him forever.

Peet's father's bakery had expanded and their family was doing incredibly well now. They bought the apartment that my family had lived in. I was so happy that it wouldn't be going to strange people that I had never met before. Peeta said that he had had a surprise for me. Of course I was excited, because I love surprises and of course he knew that. We got out of school and he asked with a big smile on his face, "Would you like to know what your surprise is?"

"Please tell me!" I was also very impatient about waiting for them.

"I would like to present you to your new home."

I looked up confused. This was the apartment that _Peeta_ was moving into. This was my _old _apartment. "What?" I asked completely baffled. He must have seen it on my face, because he then starts explaining how he once again fixed everything.

"Well since you've been living with us for the last couple of weeks and my parents really don't want to send you guys to a group home, my parents, sort of, decided to take you guys in."

There was no way I could have prepared for this. I was ecstatic! That doesn't even begin to describe how happy I was. Even though he had just fixed all of my immediate problems he was still apologizing, "I'm sorry that you and Prim will have to share a room and Vick and Rory or Rory and me or whatever we figure out. I know it's not going to bring your father back or your mother…"

"Why are you apologizing! This is the most amazing thing that has happened for a very long time. Peeta I cannot thank you or your family enough."

After thanking the Mr. Mellark about a million times he told me that I should unpack my things. When I got to my old room, there was already a bed set up for me and a desk. I didn't mind that I had to share a room with Prim. That girl had me wrapped around her little finger.

I couldn't sleep, because I was so excited to be back in my old room. I decided to do something I hadn't done in a while: log into a chat room. This normally gives me something to do when I'm bored or I can't sleep and I love making fun of the people in them. Seriously, these people are so thick I don't even know how they survive at times. There is this one guy that I've been talking to on here though that seems to like to do the same thing. I don't know what his name is or anything, but his username is GHhunter87. I quickly scroll through to see if he's on. He is.

**GHhunter87**: hey girl. how you been?

**Catnip15**: eh ive been better.

**GHhunter87**: whats wrong kiddo?

I found myself telling this guy that I don't even know about my current problems. It kind of nice to vent to someone you don't know. I was starting to trust this guy even though I've never met him, but I didn't think anything of it. Madge was the one who said I should watch out or just be careful, but I never thought that GHhunter87 would hurt me.

**GHhunter87**:i feel bad kiddo. I wish I could give you a real big hug right now. Do you want to meet and we can talk about it?

**Catnip15**: sure when?

**GHhunter87**: I have tickets to the sox game next Friday. You and a friend want to come?

**Catnip15**: sounds good.

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Review! :)

What do you guys think happens?


	5. That Game

This chapter is extremely personal to me.

And for all the times that I forgot, I do not own The Hunger Games. That is the work of the wonderful Suzanne Collins.

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Chapter 5

Madge had promised me she wouldn't tell Peeta, but I don't know if she really didn't. I asked her to come to the game with me, because I knew that Peeta would never let me go never mind come with me. I hadn't even told him about my online friend. I just knew it wouldn't sit well.

The day came and it was a warm one. All I needed to wear was some denim shorts and my new Buccholz jersey Mr. Mellark had bought me. I saved up most of my lunch money so that I could have money for food and I was so excited to meet this guy that I was shaking. _Calm down, Katniss. It's just some guy. _If it was just some guy than I wouldn't be this nervous. He sent me a picture and _damn,_ he was hot. He was so muscular and rigid and he was tan and had dark, dark hair and.. _Jeez I sound like an idiot- like some little love sick puppy dog or something. _

When Madge and I get to Fenway (which actually isn't too far from my apartment), we immediately go to Gate D which is where he said he'd meet us. It's all the way down across from the House of Blues which must not have had a show tonight or maybe it was later. God why am I so nervous right now?

I spot him and there is no way that he's only fifteen. He looks so much older! He also looks a lot more attractive. Maybe I should have worn something a little nicer. _Shut the hell up. You are here to watch a Red Sox game, not impress some guy that you've never even met. _Madge and I had been together since school and I hadn't nervous how nervous she looked, too. I hadn't even thought about it. _ Shit I'm selfish. _He probably won't notice, but I do.

"Look I know you don't want to be here, but let's at least get a free game out of it," I say with a huge smile. I know that our beloved Sox are her weak spot. She smiles the fakest smile I've ever seen and know that she wouldn't be doing this if we weren't best friends. I knew that she was my best friend, but I also knew that Peeta was my best friend. If they were both the same relationship to me, than why did I have different feelings for the both of them?

I push the thought out of my mind and go say hello. "Catnip?" Oh my God. It hurt so bad to hear someone call me that. No one called me that, but my dad and he knew that.

"My name is Katniss. This is Madge."

"Nice to meet you both," he said with this devilish look in his eye. I don't know if it made him look even more attractive to me than he already did or just scarier. "I'm Gale and this is my friend Thom."

We made our way through the ridiculously long concession lines and to our seats. In the whole week that I had known about the game, I didn't bother to check and see who we were playing. The Yanks. Oh I hate the Yanks. I saw Madge's face light up as she realized we'd be witnessing a game between the biggest rivalry in baseball.

Throughout the game, both Gale and Thom seem nice enough and by the end of it we had all switched seats so that Madge and Thom could sit next to each other. By the time that Sweet Caroline was playing, the Sox had such a demanding lead that there was no way that the Yanks could have come back. With that being said, we decided to leave a little early and get some food that was reasonably priced. Gale had parked his car at my apartment (which I realize he couldn't have been licensed to drive unless he lied about his age). We drove to somewhere slightly outside the city, and he told Thom and Madge to go inside- that he wanted to talk to me about my dad. They did. I figured they wanted some alone time too. I also noticed that where he parked was odd. It was around the side of the building even though there were so many spots right in front. I didn't think about it. _Oh my God. Alone time with Gale. Shit I don't even know what to say or even what to do. So. Fucking. Excited._

Not two seconds after they had turned the corner were his lips against mine. That I didn't mind. It was where his hands were that bothered me. His hands were on my thigh, but so far up that he was touching my panties. He moved his other hand to my breast. "Hey, um, slow down." It didn't matter to him. That only sped him up. Before I even knew it my shirt was off and he was unbuttoning my pants. "Listen, I'm eleven."

"Shut up."

I knew what was happening. I had heard of people doing it before. Madge had warned me about this. In my head, I was screaming. _No. Stop! This isn't right. I don't want this. _I realized at this point that it didn't matter what I want. I tried to get him off of me, but it was no use. He just hit me and I'm not sure if I blacked out for a second or what, but next thing I know he's on top of me. My body is shaking and not just from the nerves. This guy that I thought I trusted is not who he says at all. I liked this guy as more than a friend and look where that got me. I feel tears. I feel fear. I feel him going in and out of me with so much pain I'm going to throw up. I couldn't scream. I tried, but no noise ever came out of my lips. Then I look up, out of the window and I see her. She must have came to check up on me, because she's there pounding the glass. I don't hear her though, and I don't hear the glass. That's what I remember before I blacked out for certain. I woke up as Gale was driving away without Thom.

_How could I have been so stupid? I should have listened to Madge. I should have told Peeta. He wouldn't have let me come._ Madge is crying over my naked body and Thom is trying to put clothes on me. I slap his hand away and tell him to never talk to Madge or I ever again. Well I more like yell at him. Where was my voice when I needed it. I put my shirt back on and my shorts. I wasn't about to leave Madge there, but I wasn't going to stay either. My best thinking spot was not too far from here and there was no way that I was going home tonight.

We start walking and she's already trying to convince me to call Peeta. There's no way. He's not ever going to know. I couldn't bear to tell him this. I can't even think about what had just happened never mind tell someone about it. However, when I pass out from pain Madge really had no choice, but to call a hospital.

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I wake up and Mr. Mellark is there with Peeta. I guessed that they had sent Madge home.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you had to come. I'm sorry that they woke you up. Madge shouldn't have called."

"Kat, that phone is for emergencies and if this isn't the very best example of an emergency than I don't know what is." Peeta's voice is cold and hard as it should be. At the moment, I don't care. I pass out from pain once again.

They send me home the next day when they're sure I'm stable and nothing will ever be the same.

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	6. All My Fault

Sorry about that lats chapter guys. this one's kind of a fluff for the next one. Just saying.

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Chapter 6

If Peeta was upset with me after that night, he didn't show it. Thank goodness it was April vacation and I didn't have to deal with school. I couldn't imagine what he would be like at school through this. He constantly thought that I needed help. I probably did, but I didn't care. I realized that I needed to start being a stronger person and fending for myself. If I was stronger or maybe smarter none of… _that _ would have happened. Besides, I felt awful for doing this to Peeta- for needing him. I wasn't going to need him anymore. I don't need anyone.

School started again and I hadn't spoken to Madge since the game. I figured she probably didn't want to talk. I saw her at lunch, but I sat by myself. Honestly, who would want to be friends with me after I dragged them through that?

"Hey. What the hell? Are we not talking or something? Did I do something wrong?" Her blonde curls were everywhere today. It made her look adorable really, which made me feel even worse.

I mumble something like, "Look I'm sorry.." Well that was before she cut me off.

"_That _was not something _you_ are supposed to be sorry for. _He _should be sorry. This does not end our friendship and it doesn't end your friendship with Peeta." She starts to raise her voice which she has never done to me. She's got to be pissed. "If anything this makes our friendships _stronger. _God damn it, Kat. You're breaking that boy's heart by pushing him away! Why can't you understand that we can help you?" She storms off to go sit with him. Everyone is absolutely confused. No one really even knew we were friends, never mind lived together. For the rest of the day everyone just looks at me. I assume that Peeta or Madge told them and with the way rumors fly around here it's not surprising.

Madge won't even look at me so I guess it didn't matter if I wanted to talk to her or not. Every time that Peeta looks at me, his amazingly blue eyes were a washed out version of blue that I had never seen. I'm assuming Rory and Prim don't know what happened, but they know that something's wrong. When I walked home from school with Prim she finally asked and I just say that Peeta and I fought over some stupid little thing that didn't matter. But it did matter.

That night I had the nightmares again. All I had to see was him over me and Madge in the window and I would scream. I don't know if my screams are real or not, but they seem not to be. Prim is still sound asleep in her bed. Thank goodness I didn't wake her. I would have felt horrible. I do feel horrible. I have never lied to Prim in my whole life except for today. I would make it up to her though.

I hear rustling through the wall. Peeta. "No. Stop. Don't hurt her." Shit. He's having them, too? I will never forgive myself for this. This is all my fault. How could I possibly have been so dumb? I quietly get up out of my bed and sneak into his room. Mr. Mellark would not be pleased.

"Peeta." I gently shake him awake.

"Kat? What are you doing here? Get out before my dad catches you!"

"Stop acting brave. You know I know you better than that. Scoot over." He moved and I climbed in with him. _Keep that boy around, because if you don't you'll regret it._

That's how Peeta and I started our ritual. If one heard the other have nightmares we would climb into bed with them. It happened quite often and even the nights where neither of us had nightmares I wish I could climb into bed with him.

Just like that, Peeta started to become real moody as well. He would have a few weeks of extreme happiness and energy countered by weeks of depression and no one could figure out what had happened.

Then he went to Dr. Aurelius. I personally thought the guy was a lunatic, but he figured out what was wrong with Peeta. Peeta had developed Cyclothemic Disorder.

This was all my fault.

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	7. Gone for Good

**Sorry about the confusion guys! Cyclothymic Disorder is a dulled down version of Bipolar Disorder. Also, i'm really sorry about how amazingly late this is, but I wasn't sure how to convey this chapter and I'm also not sure how to go on from here.**

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Chapter 7

Months went by and the medication made Peeta's nightmares much worse than mine. Mostly every night I would sneak into his room and wake him from his nightmares. Of course, once Peeta figured out that the medication was messing up his sleep, it became harder and harder to make him take it.

What the medication does is regulates his moods and dulls everything down. He can't be depressed, but he can't be really happy either. During one of the nights that I snuck in to wake him, he was completely done with them.

"Kat? Why do I take these damn meds?"

"They're going to help Peeta…"

"No. They don't help. They make everything worse. I feel worse than I did before them. The worst part is…" I wait a bit to see if he's going to answer, but he's staring out the window.

"Is…" I say trying to figure it out.

"They change me. I'm not me anymore, Kat. I'm some dumb, boring version of me and I hate it. I want more than anything to go back to being myself."

"You know how dangerous that is, Peet."

"I know, but it's not like I'm going to do anything to hurt myself. I've got every reason in the world to keep on living right here." With that, he kissed my cheek and rolled over.

I was amazingly befuddled by this. I had never really been kissed before. Does this count? I have no idea. I'm only twelve! Whatever. I'm way too tired to think about it right now.

That night it takes everything I have to stop thinking about it and fall asleep.

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Throughout the years, Peeta and I try to sort out this twisted relationship between us. It's something in the middle of best friends and dating, but I'm sure I can never feel anything more than friends- not after what happened. It's not that I don't trust Peeta, I'm just a hopeless cause when it comes to emotions anymore. He is different though. The way he makes me feel and the way my heart races when I'm with him. The feeling is almost unbearably overwhelming. I can't tell if I like it or it's my body rebelling against me.

Once, Peeta and I had actually talked about officially dating. I just froze. My one word answers were enough to inform Peeta that I had the emotional capacity of a rock and I'm assuming he gave up. He told me loved me and I literally ran away. When we were sixteen, he started dating a girl a year younger named Johanna.

It breaks my heart to see him happy with someone else, but I knew she can probably give him more than I ever could. She is just as insane as I am, extremely serious at school, goofy as hell at home, and crazy about him. Whether he loves her like he said he loved me, I could never tell. It certainly looks as if he loves her a lot more.

Madge starts noticing a difference in me and tells me to tell him about how I feel. She also claims that he is still madly in love with me, but I know otherwise. Johanna starts sleeping over and his nightmares disappeare completely. There was no way I can tell Madge that I have been sleeping with him all these years though. As always, I keep my mouth shut. If there is anything I don't want to talk about right now, it's Peeta.

During the summer, Johanna always goes to Europe with her family, leaving Peeta to his nightmares. I hear them the night she left, but know it's not my place to come in there anymore. I roll toward the window and start staring out wondering if there was someone else in the same situation I'm in somewhere in the world. Then, I can swear I hear the door open. Hell, it's probably me just getting my hopes up. He's _not_ yours, Katniss. He's _Jo's,_ but that's when I feel the bed sink down on the other side and his arm around me. It's like paradise to me to have him back.

I wake up and think I am dreaming. Prim must have seen us since she's not in the room. Oops. It's not like it would be the first time she'd keep a secret of our sleeping arrangements anyways. I roll towards him to find that he's already awake, too.

He gave me the biggest smile I'm sure he's ever given me and kisses me on the forehead. Why are you so confusing? You're in love with someone else. Why are you kissing _me _on the forehead like you aren't? Stop toying with my emotions (even though you're convinced I don't have any and I'm still not convinced I do, either).

"Good morning, gorgeous." I have had enough. He needs to stop. He's being unfair to me _and_ Jo and he's probably doing it without even noticing. I need to say something, but I can't. I love his attention so much. I know I would lose it if I say anything.

"Look, Peeta. You know I love you, but you also know that I don't know how I love you and if I'll ever love you the way that you used to love me. It's not…"

"You think that I _used_ to love you like that? You don't think that I still do? Can't you tell? I'll never love anyone like I love you, Kat. I will never even love Johanna like that."

"Then why are you dating her, Peeta? It's not fair to her if you love me."

"It's also not fair that I love someone who doesn't love me back. I need to try to get over you. Johanna's a way to do that."

"Peeta, I will never love anyone! You can't blame me for that!" I'm essentially shouting at this point.

"You should have told me you were going to that stupid game! I could have stopped you! I could have protected you! That never would have happened if I had known." He's in tears and even _I _have only seen him cry once. I hate myself for making him cry. I hate myself for making him feel this way.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to meet him so badly and there was no thought in my mind that he would do what he did to me. It happened, though. There's no going back. I have to figure this out now. I'll have to see if I can ever trust or feel for someone ever, now."

"You don't trust me?" he asked holding both of my hands in his. His mouth formed a frown, but his eyes were furious.

"Of course, I do. I love you, but I don't think that I will ever be able to love someone like you love me. You're the only person I do trust, but the whole sex portion of love has been taken from me. I will never be able to have sex with someone and not think about that night, no matter how long ago it was."

"You're saying that there's no hope that you will ever love me like that? Not ever?" Now his eyes were sad; the saddest I had ever seen them. I feel even worse.

"It's really doubtful, Peeta. I'm sorry, but I just don't think I have it in me anymore." With that he stormed out of the room and I didn't see him for the rest of the day.

I went to Madge's to vent and we ended up going to a pick up soccer game later on to get some anger out. When I got off the field, it was about eight o'clock. I had a picture message and I figured I'd figure out who sent by the picture, not bothering to look. When I opened the message it was a picture of a belt around Peeta's neck with a message that said, "I just want you to know how much you mean to me. If you can't love me, I can't live. By the way, there's a note for you on your bed." God the kid had a way with words even in a suicide note. _Shit! It's a fucking suicide note._ I immediately call 911 and explain what happened. I ran the mile it took to get to the apartment in less than five minutes and the ambulance was already there. _Keep that boy around, because if you don't you'll regret it. _Then I saw Mr. Mellark. He was in shock and couldn't believe what had happened and quite frankly, neither could I.

I felt the same dark nothingness that I had felt five years earlier. Peeta was gone. There was a blur of EMT's flying around me, when one pulled me aside, "How are you, sweetheart?" I stood there and stared unable to say anything.

"I've been here, sweetheart, and it's going to be okay." In that moment I got so enraged at this person that I didn't even know that I started yelling at him.

"_How is this going to be okay? My best friend is dead! It's my entire fault. I wish I was able to love him like he wanted, but I can't. That has been taken away from me just like he has and my father has! I promised my father that I would keep Peeta around and look how well that turned out! Also, obviously it doesn't get better you're the one that was supposed to be saving him and you reek of alcohol!"_

By then, I was sure I had scared him off, but he stood there and put his arm around me and asked if I'd like a ride to the hospital. Of course, it was the same hospital that Dad died in, but I obviously went anyways trying to push that first part out of my mind.

The ride to the hospital was calm. They said that he was still alive, but barely. If I hadn't called them when I did than he wouldn't be, but at some point on the ride it got really hectic really fast. I looked back and that EMT was looking at me with a sad, hopeful smile on his face. He then got right to work on Peeta doing CPR. I've taken enough health classes to know that a person has to be dead to start CPR. I also know that the success rate of mouth to mouth is not high at all.

That means that Peeta was actually taken from me. He's really gone.

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**Please review! I really need to know what you guys think and if you have any ideas about what I should do after this!**


	8. Holy Hell

**Oh my goodness! Sorry guys for the long wait, but I'm still not entirely sure where I want to take this and don't you worry! This is far from over. While you guys read this please think of things I could do better and review on it? I could really use the help! Thank you to all of you who reviewed and followed/favorited! **

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Chapter 8

How could this happen? How could I have done this to the only person I love? Love? Do I even know what that feels like? I don't know. I suppose I could love Peeta. Well, could have. No. I did. But, how? Prim was always better at figuring out this stuff for me and so was Madge. Shit Madge. I should probably call her. I seriously need to talk to her. Maybe after I figure myself out or figure out if he could possibly come back. It's possible right? The fact that there is CPR means that it had to have worked on someone. I know the chances are slim, really slim, but it could work.

Fuck. I loved Peeta. As a brother? As more? I don't know. I know the way that Peeta made me feel was different than anyone else- my brothers or any of the guys from school that tried to talk to me or played pick-up games with me. He definitely made me feel different than Madge. I had just never really thought of him as anything more than a friend. I wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. I also wasn't ready to trust someone that fully. Gale had taken that trust and shot it straight to shit. If I had to trust someone though, it would be Peeta. Now that I finally realize that, he's gone and I know that I will never find another person who I will trust as much as I did him.

After all that thinking to myself, we are finally at the hospital and they are wheeling him in as fast as they can. All I can do is run behind them with Mr. Mellark as fast as I can and hope to be there when he wakes up. _If he wakes up._ I have to block out my mind or it'll give me bad things to think about. Inside the hospital they tell me to wait outside. I guess I should call Madge now. Shit she's going to kill me when she finds out what I did.

_Hello?_

_Hey Madge, you uhh should come to MGH._

_What happened!? Is everything alright?_

_No.. It's Peeta._

_Be there in ten._

*Click.*

I wish I could call Jo. She needs to know, too. Then she'll ask why and I won't have an answer. I should wait until Madge gets here. It's her right to know since it is her boyfriend. Ugh. I hate that fact. I guess I'm jealous. I don't know. Shit, I don't know friggen anything about the situation I'm in with Peeta. He better wake up or.. or.. I just don't fucking know what I'll do.

"Hey. What happened?" She's panting. What?

"Did you run here?"

"Yeah, the T's too slow for something like this. Finally Thread's suicidal conditioning days are put to good use. What happened?"

"Well, speaking of suicidal…" Just like that I go into _everything_ with her and it's then that I realize just how much I trust her, too. These are the only two people in the world who know everything about me. Although, Peeta doesn't know what my father said about him. _Keep that boy around…_ Damnit. I regret it already.

"Mr. Mellark?" a nurse asks to the entire waiting room.

"Yes?"

"Your son has been put into a medically induced coma, but we believe he'll be alright." It's then I realize that he doesn't know why his son tried this. He probably believes it's his fault. Shit. I guess I should tell him. Not everything, obviously. Most of it. All of it? Fuck. My mind is swimming.

Then it hit me. Peeta's alive, well sort of. I guess I can't be too optimistic- not after everything that my luck has proved.

Mr. Mellark went in to see Peeta, and say things that his son will never hear, but I know what he's saying. He's telling him that he's sorry for whatever he did to cause this and that he'll be the best father he could be if Peeta still lived. He would make everything better. I know this, because when I thought about taking my own life, Peeta told me almost those exact words. Hell, I had even tried a pathetic attempt. Tried to cut myself, but I forgot to lock the door. Maybe I wanted to be caught. Maybe I wanted him to find me. This time, he didn't want me to find him. He wanted to warn me of what may have been coming.

Mr. Mellark came out and it was no secret that he had been crying. I was crying and I hadn't even spilled my guts to him even though he would never hear me. This could be a practice run I guess for when I can actually tell him.

"Madge, you go see him. I'd like to talk to Mr. Mellark for a sec." And she does.

"Mr. Mellark, I want you to know that it's not your fault. That…"

"Katniss, stop. Don't even tell me it was your fault. There has to be multiple factors when it comes to something like this. I'm not putting blame on anyone for what he chose to do."

"He told me it was my fault. He said that he wanted to be more than friends sir, and after.. after.. what happened I just didn't know if I could.. feel like that towards anyone, ever. You don't understand how awful I feel. He was the best of the best. I.. I guess I do like him like that, but it took _this_ for me to realize. God, I am such an idiot." By this point I'm horrified by what I've just told Peeta's father and humiliated, because I never cry and there are tears pouring down my face.

Mr. Mellark doesn't seem surprised at all, though. "I figured it was something like that. I knew from the day you showed up at school that he would. The way he would talk about you, well that's how I felt about his mother and I'm that's how your father felt about her as well. Granted it took a little while for it to grow that far, but I knew it would get there from the beginning. It became so that anyone could tell by the way he looked at you." Mr. Mellark knew? I was even more humiliated by the fact that I was the only one who didn't know. Just a few minutes ago, Madge had said that she knew, too. Did Jo know? Oh shit, I hope not. It also hurt that he compared my father to Peeta, because my father's gone and there's a good chance that Peeta could be, too. This brings on a new round of tears. I remember the fact that Peeta said he left a letter. I had been too flustered to remember then, but I knew it was important. I had to get it, but it was then that Madge exited Peeta's room and I still hadn't thought of what I really wanted to say.

I walk in on unsteady legs feeling drunk with dread and guilt and every other bad feeling.

"Hey, Peet." And that's all it takes for me to start crying once again. I'm actually balling my eyes out. I can barely talk, but I know that I have to get this out, because maybe he'll come out of his coma if he hears the right words. Stupid logic I know, but when it comes to Peeta all of my logic is lost. "Hey. I'm sorry it took _this_ for me to realize how much you meant to me.. how much I trust you. You know me more than anyone and you know that I don't trust anyone and I trust you. Madge, too. It took losing you to know that I… that I love you. Not just as the brother I thought you always were to me, but I want to be with you. You're the only one. You were always the only one. You'll always ever be the only one and if you leave me right now I don't think I'll ever be able to love another person as much as I love you right now and have for as long as I can remember without having realized it. I'm sorry you felt that this was your only way out and that I would never come around. For you I would do anything, because I love you. Now that I'm saying it I feel as if I can't say it enough to make up for lost time. I…"

"Really? Are you going to say it again?" There he is. Looking up at me, he is smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen him wear. His eyes are bluer and clearer than ever and I couldn't be happier.

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